Attn: Restaurants That Serve Breakfast, Please Take Seriously and Enjoy this Unreasonable Rant

tl;dr – I don’t want bread

Stop with all the sandwiches for breakfast. Not everything has to be in sandwich form; you’re not leaving some moral culinary duty unfilled if you don’t serve sandwiches all the time. If you really must have sandwiches on the menu, the very least you can do is offer normal platter items, or an a la carte option so I don’t have to feel like such a dick in public when I have to say out loud “CAN YOU PLEASE HOLD THE BREAD? I’M NOT GLUTEN SENSITIVE I’M JUST ONE OF THOSE JERKS WHO’S INTO LETTING EVERYONE HERE KNOW THAT I DON’T WANT A GRAIN RIGHT NOW K?” Poor Chinese orphans have mobile phones with the power to make a random person fart on the other side of the world, but you can’t put one breakfast item on your menu that doesn’t have dry, tasteless sponge-slabs on it? Save sandwiches for lunch, like a true American establishment in the post-Quest For Food™ years—especially you, that one independent deli near work that has no excuse for not taking my special snowflake requests. I’m about to tie my colon into some Boy Scout knot so that whenever I eat your bleached enriched inflammatory white flour slices of conveyor belt gluten that you have forced upon me, you’ll have to deal with the projectile linguine-blast of regrettable disgust that comes out of me.

PS – Vegans and vegetarians constitute 0.000000000120001% of your customer base. They don’t need specific menu items. Make them feel like the special snowflakes, not me.

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5 thoughts on “Attn: Restaurants That Serve Breakfast, Please Take Seriously and Enjoy this Unreasonable Rant”

    1. Jay Post author

      I wonder if there’s a higher-class sentiment attached to paninis. Anyone can have cold sandwiches, but paninis require machinery and electricity, two things that are hard to come by for the proles. But hey…whatever people want.


      1. Ed Hurst

        But hey…whatever people want.

        Precisely, so I generally avoid breakfast away from home. I happen to like breakfast sandwiches, but I want them my way — with cooked vegetables in the scrambled eggs. I’ve come to hate eating out; with just a few exceptions I avoid restaurants, delis and whatnot.


    1. Jay Post author

      Despite our disagreement, I support all dinner-for-breakfast initiatives. I do it often myself…and I don’t understand people’s mild distaste for it.


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