Tag Archives: Buzzfeed

Unintentional Name Glyph Length Accuracy

Original, cringe-worthy, video here, about some limp noodles from BuzzFeed and their t-count test results.

But the important thing is that the UX design centers of my brain were delighted that the width dimension of their names matched their comparative testosterone level results with ridiculous accuracy:

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Enjoy the Sentiment – Another Coca-Cola Commercial

Opening scene: he’s walking in a political march, titled “Women’s Stuff and More Stuff,” with tuneless piano plucking sounds in the background. Jump cut to him watching obviously foreign or mixed-race porn on his laptop without a trace of guilt on his face. There might be some internal dialogue about how he’s doing it in honor of the suffragettes or Amelia Earhart’s barely-worn, prop leather jacket. Market research on this idea should be done.

Another scene: he is irked by the two recovering-junkie couples’ conversation on his bus. They’re probably late 20’s but look retirement age. They are quiet for being the meth-head types so he tries to be charitable. He’s been reading the anonymous blog of someone’s nihilist, near-felonious daily activities and self-harming thought patterns. He imagines the ex-junkies succumbing to one of the blogger’s daydream suicide scenarios. When his stop comes, he intentionally drips lukewarm coffee on the crotch of his khakis to test the attention thresholds of opposing pedestrians.

Final cut: he determines that his laptop is a covert narcissist* and begins to sever his hand at the wrist to spite it. As he’s sawing away, a just-published blog post from Jabba the Hutt pops up on his monitor. It’s a Buzzfeed listicle about how women’s dresses don’t have pockets but that’s okay because they can carry purses. A million hyperbolically angry comments flood the post instantly and another popup shows Jabba being fired from Buzzfeed in real time. He stops for a second to laugh, then resumes his self-mutilation. Piano music finally fades though most people have already forgotten it. Coke logo.

* A good technical description of a computer is “a non-human actor whose secondary function is to gaslight its user.”

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